Loved Cherished Adored –

Healing of Trauma and IBS  (Trigger Warning)

When I was six years old, my father began raping me annally.

For the next eight years, I simply shut down emotionally, by numbing out and dissociating.

I got good grades and excelled in music.

When I was fourteen, I broke my finger, and my father left me alone.

That was the end of that torture.

I always thought I had grown up in a normal family until I was fifty years old.

I read an account of a woman who had a memory come back to her decades later.

Her symptoms sounded familiar to me, – looking for exit signs, having emotional breakdowns over certain holidays, being triggered by things that did not make sense.

Gradually, my memories started coming back.

It was intolerable.

For six years, I was in denial, emotionally overwrought, but somehow able to function.

After I rolled my jeep, I realized I needed to get hold of myself.

In my spiritual study, I began listening for the key.

I realized I was supposed to prosper, even though I did not know how.

I began journalling to figure out how to fix my life.

One day, as I writing in my sprial notebook journal, the words came “GIVE MORE”.

I wrote them in double high capital letters.

I had no idea how to GIVE MORE.

I had left my job after neglectful treatment.

My body refused to function normally.

I had been dealing with IBS for several years.

It got worse and became a bleeding ulcer.

All this got turned around over many, many steps of healing.

It seemed like I would never find the key.

But everything kept adding up until I did.

In addition to my spiritual study, I had therapy.

In the therapy, I asked what the optimum outcome should be.

My therapist told me, it would be well-being for everyone, including the perpetrator.

That was news to me.

I kept listening for the next step.

I started being more patient with myself.

I told myself that my unexplained reactions were perfectly understandable, even if I did not understand them.

Later, things began to make sense.

But I still had to heal from them.

I applied every new technique that I could.

I learned about many new ways to help myself.

They all contributed to my healing.

Finally, it boiled down to one thing.

Not even resentment nor irritation about what I had gone through was allowed.

I had to drop even the tiniest bit of emotion about it.

That was the final step of healing.

Now I can go where I want, when I want.

All the past symptoms are erased.

That is the story of my healing.

There is a much longer story, with all the steps I took.

But that will come later.

In the meantime, for right now, I am celebrating.

© 2023 Kathryn Hardage

http://www.shareinspirationandpeace.com